Bullying : Thy Process & Overcoming

Something happened tonight and it triggered me to post this post after so many months of hiatus.

The triumph card was in my hand, i can totally ruin the person and speak up for the innocent, but the opportunity cost were way too high. One part of my mind asked me to do it, but the other part of me told me to not do so. All these led to so many thoughts in my mind. The deepest secrets and never before told life story of mine......

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Ever since i was a child in primary school, i was a victim of bullies.

I remember those primary school days when i would spend all my pocket money purchasing sweets and snacks for people to 'buy' friends, but obviously it failed. I was really fat when i was in primary school, when i was 10, i was standing 145cm but weighing at 70kg. I was called a names, i am always the one that's left out from the rest of class. Well, everyone at the age are harmless, so except for the normal name-calling, things were fine for me. Except that i had few or rather, no friends. Well but at that point of time, i was still a young girl that's naive and easily contented, being fat was never a issue for me.

Things became challenging when i was proceeded to secondary school and the polytechnic.

Secondary school was one of the toughest time of my life. For everyone at the age, it was the time that puberty played a big part in our life, girls are becoming beautiful swans, guys are at the process of becoming perfect gentlemen. Well, for my generation, it was also the time when people start having crushes and falling in love with the opposite gender without knowing what love is. Well, at least for me, at that time, things were that way.

However, I was at my fattest at that point of time, standing 160cm weighing close to 80kg (well not many people knew that, or should i say, even my mum doesn't know i was that heavy). So obviously even if i had someone in mind that i would love to speak to, i wouldn't have the courage to. Moreover the guy, my very first crush of my life, was the top student of his cohort and a sportsman as well. My confidence was at the lowest at that point of time. What made my secondary school life more terrifying were the girls in my cohort and the things they've done to me during my 4 years in school.

I was cyber-bullied, my blogs, my Facebook, my Twitter got flamed every single day without fail. They were all filled with anonymous hatred and threatening messages to me. At the point of time, i was just a 13 year old girl, i was helpless. Even when i knew who were the ones that's behind all these, i wasn't able to prove that they were the ones. The school couldn't do anything about it as well, things were beyond control. There were also times when random girls will just walk pass me, glare at me and start criticizing and laughing at my size and my look.

However, due to all these bullying, my self-esteem was right at the bottom, i go to school unwillingly and not knowing what will be in store for me at school prepared by the bullies. I was also given life-threats outside of school, making me afraid of leaving school and leaving home. Friends and classmates that knew of such things happening to me left me, not wanting to be part of it. Few friends stayed. But eventually due to my insecurities and possessiveness (perhaps due to my lack of confidence), they left me as well. So i went through the 4 years of secondary school with fear, no one knew that i supposed, i'm always putting up shows to my peers and teachers that i'm full of confidence and strong. The truth is that, during that four years, it was the worst of my life. Living in fear and darkness, helpless.

So after the four years, it was time for me to proceed to the polytechnic. I was happy when i completed my last O levels paper, i thought i was free from living in days of fear. I thought i am able to get to know a whole new group of people, to start a whole new life. I went on diet, managed to shed some kilos. Life seemed better. But when i first stepped into my very first polytechnic course, my heart sank. I got into the same class with this particular girl that hates me to the core and was part of the bullies in my secondary school. So life in SIT was not good at all. There was no way for me to make friends at all. Well, that girl was slim and she wears a whole lot of makeup to school, so you know, guys at that age loves such girls, and girls at the age wouldn't dare to go against her. So i was left out, bad rumours about me spread like wildfire within weeks. My life was once again in darkness.

So during the second year in polytechnic education, i took a great step in life. I quit my SIT course, forfeited my first year of studies, and went over to SBM hoping to start a new life.

Well, this course was definitely easier than SIT, but the thing here is that, i was in the top class during my first year and a few people there are like 'hunters', they will do whatever they can to make sure they get that distinction. Well, i made a really good girl friend there, told her almost everything about me, but eventually i got lied to, betrayed, and hurt. Still remember how i saved up to get her that Citigems gem set for her birthday, but eventually when she received it, she simply didn't appreciate it. Instead of a simply " Thanks", she sort of reprimanded me for buying her such present. Well, at least after that i was able to see where i stand in her. Lesson learnt, but heart was broken.

Well, during that period of time, i was busy with work, had my own blogshop to maintain and had to run errands every single day after i end school. Wasn't able to mix with any of the classmates except for that bestfriend (that betrayed me in the end). So eventually i was labeled by a few of the people in class that i am "arrogant, unfriendly, bossy, attention-seeking". But the ironic thing is that, this bunch of people had never once till now spoke a single sentence to me, and they hate me that much.

Well, how much do they hate me? Well, you'll be amazed. They'll post statuses about me on their Facebook, posting things to defame me, talk negative things about me in class openly when i'm not around, they even know what i want to become when i graduate and use it as something to criticize me about. And oh, they talk about me in their daily conversation with each other, not only face to face but also through IM, follow me on all social networking websites and always keeping themselves updated about my daily life so that they can talk negative stuffs about it. Well, many things that they are doing shows pretty much of Jealousy within them, about what i have achieve in life, in which they haven't. They'll talk about what i wear every single day, able my position in my jobs, they things i'm doing, my company etc. But hey, there are still a few great coursemates out there ! :)

Well, simple talking and gossiping is fine for me, but this one particular guy went out of board.

This particular guy, well, he is rather confused with what he is doing i should say.

Well, this is a summary, this particular guy deleted me from his Facebook, so that he could post negative statuses about me, insulting and humiliating me of my looks and my achievements till date. But the irony is that, if the posts are for me, why do you delete me and post them? Are you afraid? Well, high chance you are really afraid.

I wouldn't want to post his name here because i wouldn't want to do what i don't want others to do to me. But this particular guy wants to criticize but is extremely afraid of me finding out about what he is posting, simply because he can't afford to do anymore wrong things, if not he'll be sent straight back to the boys home. Well, he knows we all know that. For him, he bullies everyone that he think that they would not retaliate, but well, i will. He'll post racist remarks about others (which is a highly punishable case in Singapore) and he'll post insulting and humiliating remarks about others including me in his Facebook. Well, of course, i'm not stupid, all statuses are captured.

With this amount of evidence, i can tarnish him anytime. All i needed was to wait for the right time.

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Today was the day, i was given a perfect chance to tarnish his image with all the evidence i've gathered. I was tempted. I could have exposed him and help the innocent ones that are bullied. But well, i cooled myself down and thought about it.

If i were to do this, yes, high chance I'll get him sent back. But what for? At what opportunity costs? Others will be affected as well. If i was to do it, i would be the same as him. I quickly went to the Facebook Community Safe Heaven that i founded to help people that are facing cyber-bullying cases, look at those inspirational quotes and advices i've written for others, i told myself, let it go. Let him go, let all these anger go away, God will bring justice one day. I shall not do what i do not want others to do to me. I shall be forgiving. I've stood up and recovered from bullying, my job is to help others and not harm others, so i shall let it go.

I know many polytechnic mates and lecturers will be reading this, but these are my real thoughts, i don't want to hide anymore.

To the guy, you know who you are. Perhaps you'll be laughing to this post. But if you really are repentant after leaving the boys home and determined to study hard in the polytechnic for your parents, please stop creating troubles, really. You can choose to react negatively to this, you can laugh your ass off to this, thinking that i'm not pursuing anything against you because i simply cannot. But here's what i want to tell you.

Many things you do behind people's back, you think it's fun, and it's funny. You think that the other party doesn't know, but you're wrong. Or perhaps you know that we know about it, but we can't do anything about it, but you're wrong. I can do many things to you, but i've decided not to, because i'm telling myself to forgive you. For all the bad things you've done to me, i shall let it all go. You're smart academically, but there's still people out there that's way better than you, so don't be overconfident. You're smart, so don't waste it. Don't waste you life doing such things behind people's back, it's just gonna ruin your life all over again. I choose not to name you, because i don't believe in publicly shaming people. Only people that know you and what you're doing to me will know this, and i hope you'll know what to do from now on. Really, for once now, bring down all your pride, ask yourself, what do you gain doing such things? Fun? Aren't you tired? Well, this is your life, i can't say much. It's really up to you. Please stop doing bad things to harm others.

But for me, all i can say is, i forgive whatever you've done. I'm letting them all go today. I feel so much better now.

I thank god for answering my prayers during that time when i was looking through Safe Heaven, I thank god for leading me to good instead of bad at the moment. I also thank god for that few great polytechnic friends that are still there for me when i need them.

Goodnight lovelies. I love you all. :)


PS: Sorry for the typos or grammar errors if any, it's 3am in the morning . hahahah!

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" God will judge the evil doer. Our anger must not block our confidence in God’s ability to defeat evil. "

~Psalms 52 Theme

Paper

It's been months since i've last posted a blog post. Well, many things happened and many of the times i've got the urge to blog about it but in the end i've decided not to. Perhaps because they are all pretty emotional.

Well it's the examinations period now for Nanyang Polytechnic and yes, as usual I am studying really hard for the papers. Or should i say, i feel really stressed up these days. Well through the 19 years of my life, i've learnt many things. The happiness, joy and good things about living as well as the bad things about being alive.

Well in Singapore, one of the things i've realised is that we will really 'die-off' slowly if we do not have 'papers'.  I mean literally paper.

Let us take a walk down the route of life.

When our mothers are pregnant, most likely she'll find something amissed when she missed her period. Perhaps 95% of them would purchase the pregnancy test kits to test if the results were 'positive' or 'negative', and well, these kits are made of plastic on the exterior and litmus paper as the interior where the urine is to be drawn onto for the test. ( if my science teacher taught me the correct stuffs ) .

When our mothers are indeed pregnant, she'll be brought over to the hospital for thorough check up and all these costs money, and money is another form of paper. Others may say, what if we pay by credit card or by cpf, well all the transactions comes with a final invoice and they are all made of paper. All these checkups throughout the 9 months cost a bomb. Imagine if our  parents have not money, what would've happened. Poor them.

When we were born, the moment we come out of our mothers, our parents will go over to the counter and get the documents ready to apply for our citizenship and retrieve our birth certificate. Imagine if our parents didn't register us into the system, we will have no identity, we will have nothing to prove that we are part of Singapore. However with this piece of paper that seems so worthless, we were identified as Singaporean in no time.

When we go into the kindergarten, our parents 'fight' for places to get us into the best childcare in Singapore or perhaps the best in the neighborhood. When registering, if our parents do not bring our birth certificate, no registration could be done, this is the power of that paper that seems so worthless.

During our period in kindergarten, majority of the parents would force their child to take up talent program, eg : swimming, singing, piano, etc. Reason being so that their child could stand out from the rest. After all these program, all the hard work the child put into learning the talent no matter how much he hates it, he'll just get one piece of paper to 'prove' that he have passed the test and with this piece of paper that seem so worthless their parents could show it off to their friends and gain themselves more 'face' and its something for them to be proud of. So much for a piece of certificate.

Years later, when it's time for primary school registration, parents spend days queuing outside prestigious school trying to get their child into the school. Some parents even go to the school to be parent volunteers years before their child turn 7 in order to secure a place for their child but failed to do so. Some parents even tried to use the power of paper ( money ) to try to gain 'back door entry' for their child. Well, should i say from what i heard, some succeeded with the power of paper. Well, majority don't but paper still made some wonders there.

Upper Primary, this is the time when the child face tons of stress, facing assessment books and exam papers every single day. And by facing all these paper products, and doing them, their main objective is to get the very last piece of paper which is the PSLE certificate for them to be able to proceed to secondary school life.

When they got into secondary school, the same thing goes again, facing assessment books and exams, and the ultimate goal is just for that bloody piece of o level / n level certificate to get them to the next level of education.

All these goes in a cycle and keeps repeating itself as long as the student stays in school.

At the end of the day, all they need to get is a certificate stating the he/she has this level of education.

This is the time when different pieces of papers meant different things, when you work hard and get better grades, you'll get a better piece of paper, this piece of paper brings you to the best few companies in the world, and as everyone knows,  this piece of paper brings you the ultimate piece of paper that you've all along been working for and this is MONEY.

Well, many says that certificate is the gauge of the amount of money you'll have when you grow old, many say that people with no 'paper' will have no luxury of having the ultimate paper in their hands. Well, it personally i feel it's not true.

Look at all the successful people in the world, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, they are all dropouts and they hate studying. Ahh well, at this time, some will tell me they belong to the other era. Alright, well perhaps it's true.

But sometimes looking at people around me mugging their brains out of their heads and their fingers off their palms, i would like to ask, are all these worth it ? Just for a piece of bloody useless paper ?

Well as for me, i'm studying very hard to get my diploma and in the future a degree not because i believe in the saying that 'study hard then will learn a lot of money' , but i treat studying and getting the degree a form of respect to my parents. I mean they fed me till i'm so round and fat, i believe they would really hope to see me get that final piece of paper and using that to get more papers like MONEY, HOUSE (the paper shows the house is  yours), and even nowadays the super expensive COE.

I personally feel that education certificate is not a key to earning the 'ultimate paper' MONEY. Reason being, there are so many people that are industry nowadays, really successful but they aren't really educated.

Humans should know that mugging and studying like crazy to get a worthless piece of certificate is not as important to humans having experience and lifeskills. If one doesn't have lifeskills and experience, he will fail in life no matter how many certificates they have in life. EQ is = to IQ, we humans need to know that.

So in conclusion, life isn't about mugging/working yourself away to get the certificates ( worthless piece of paper ) to get the ultimate paper ( the money ), but it's about how you'll be able to get the money happily and smartly without having to kill all your braincells.

Yes, life is about paper, but only one kind of paper , and it's MONEY.

Well, don't judge me too fast, I'm not saying that money is everything, but hey, let's be logical, if you have money and you'll sad, you'll be able to get something with the money to cheer yourself up. But if you don't you'll just feel lousy and you'll forever be worrying about when's the next meal.

So people, be smart. Earn money in a smart way. Don't do the nerd style, it's not gonna work out. Trust me.

Greed.

Greed is a bad thing. 

When you do things out of greed most of the time it will go wrong. 

Even when the offer seems too good to be true, you chose to pick it up and continue on with it.

You end up facing serious consequences. 

Losing money, losing a good friend or losing your family for greed. 

When it comes to greed, everything that's associated to it seems to be negative. 

But strangely even when everyone knows the negative consequences of being greedy, they still continue on being greedy and do things just for greed. 

There are various forms of greed. For money, for affection, for love, for attention, for fame, for food, for almost everything that is measurable by quantity. 

Siblings rivalry occurs when both kids fight for the attention and affection of the mother, very often they fight for attention and affection not because theirs mummy don't give it to them, but because they want more of it. 

Relationships breakdown because one party hopes for the other to give them more care, affection, love and concern, again, not because the party didn't but because the other party wanted more of it out of greed. 

People who intend to startup a business, even when they know that the deal provided is too good to be true, yet because of wanting to MaxiMise profits and make more money, decided to take the risk of sending the money overseas and the stocks didn't appear at all. This businessperson made a huge lost, just to earn a little more. 

Men goes partying, drinking, womanizing, sleeping around, not because they don't love their wife or partners, but because they feel they needed something fresh, someone better, someone sexier, hotter, prettier to themselves, but in the end, not only will they lose their money, they are putting their relationship and marriage in a big risk. Just for more fun. 

Women go on dating with various men even when they are in a relationship with a man, not because the man is not capable enough, not because she don't find him loving enough, it's because of influence from friends and media, it's because they have the mindset that they will eventually still be able to find someone more capable and richer than their current, because they needed more affection and attention, because only by having a capable partner, they will be able to be the winner in the circle of friends she's hanging out with, 

Women become prostitutes, sugar babes and social escorts, not because they have no money for even a meal, not because they don't have the daily necessities that she should have, not because she doesn't have bags to carry her stuff to school, clothes to wear, it's because she wanted more than this, she long for her branded bags, branded apparels, branded shoes, luxurious cars and big houses. 

Celebrities wannabes goes under the knife not because he or she is not attractive enough, it's because they want to look perfect, they want to stand out from the rest, they want to fit into the crude society when people judge you based on looks, they wanted more fame. 

So all the above situations are shows that most of the time, people do things not because they really need it, but instead the do it because the want MORE of it, yes MORE, and the word that best describes all the scenarios is GREED. 

But to be honest, greed brings you nothing but a broken self. 

Siblings that fight and relationships worsen even till ten twenty years later, perfect relationship and marriage breakdown, losing yourselves and betraying your own perfect body that god gave to you, losing hard earned money just to get a little more profits, spend tons of money but yet got yourself a failed plastic surgery that you got to live with the entire rest of your life, all for GREED ? 

Yes, a moment of greed a lifetime of regret. 

It is not worth to lose so much just for a moment of greed, think before you act, learn to love live more. Life simplest pleasure ~~ 

Faith :)

It's been so long since I've posted something here.

So many things happened these few months. Exams, holidays, work. It was pretty tiring.

Experienced many different things and met many different people. Friends come and go.

A blink of an eye, I'm going on to the next chapter of life in nanyang polytechnic. Year two of marketing. Hopefully all goes well for me. Specializing in public relations, hoping to meet more interesting people and learn more about life, and survival.

This period while I was away, I lost someone so close to me. Someone who loved me with all his heart but eventually changed I guess. Someone who was once part of me. But I guess god has his plans, and he wasn't part of god's plan for me. Yes I admit, I do miss him every now and then, but he will be a reminder to myself, to cherish the people around me more . To learn to love, forgive and care. He is just one chapter of my life.

But i always believe, when god decided to shut the doors on one side, he will open another side for me.

I've also met people that were extraordinary, people who care and love me for who I really am. People who share the same traits as me, people who I know will always be with me. Well at least I really hope it will be the way I see it.

Through work, I've met many people. Young to old, rich to poor. Heard many different life stories and I realized how lucky I am. I've learnt to appreciate and cherish people that's with me and things that I have. I've learnt to love life. I also saw how important education is for us the younger generation and I see how hard parents are working in order to just send their kids to school.

Through all these, I've learnt to see the world in a larger perspective, I've learnt to open up, to love, to care, to find peace and create joy for everyone that's with me. I've learnt to live a better life. I learnt to have faith in life and towards others. I became a better person.

I've always doubted the existence of god. But let me be truthful to myself, I've prayed to god when i was at the lowest period of life, when no hope was left, when i was almost giving up, and i seeked for help thrice and he answered my prayers all three times. He made me look at my life in a different perspective. He showed me that there's still hope. He held onto me when I needed someone terribly. Some people might say that I'm deceiving myself, it's all a psychological thing, if it is so, then let it be.

The third time I prayed to god, I told him life was really tough for me and I'm breaking down, I needed someone to change my life, someone who will love me and be with me, for who I am. He answered to my prayer and sent me an angel. I met someone that totally changed my life. Someone that brought love, hope and happiness into my life. Someone who taught me to have faith in life, someone who truly loves me, someone that I've always been looking for.

And for this, I thank god.

Life is getting better, this is the best term break I've ever had the entire nineteen years of my life. It's also the time when I've decided to have faith in god. I've became happier. :)

Lies after lies

To me, you were fine. You were really nice. You were like one of the best I've ever seen. I would talk to others about you, how awesome you are and all.

However good things don't last isn't it? Day by day, as I grew up, as time passes. I saw your YouTube account, you posted stuffs that weren't really nice to me, you said it was for you to gain subscribers, to gain views, to earn extra income. I thought, okay, perhaps that's the case. You were still that really fine person in my mind.

It was only till months after that , I realized that you are often searching for such things online to view, and to share with friends of yours. To me, it's hurting and disgusting. You weren't like what I thought you were . Spoke to you and i cried and you said you'll stop, you'll change. Once again, I trust you, yes, with all my heart.

Then I chance upon your phone, I saw a pretty prominent app. It's one app that you know it's really not appropriate to have on your phone. I spoke to you about it and you claimed you downloaded it out of curiosity. I was disappointed once more. I chose to forgive and continue on like usual.

Then here comes another day I chance upon your browser history and found out what websites you were viewing, those websites that you promised me that you'll stop visiting, those promises that you've given to me, you've broken them all, all over again. I told you how disappointed I was this time round, in your face, seriously, and you asked for my forgiveness. And yes, i gave in again. Once again, I let it go. Believing that you won't break the promise again.

Then it was today, I chance upon your YouTube subscriber history again. You subscribed to some really really disgusting channels. It shows clearly that what you promised to me were just to coax me.

This time around, what are you going to tell me again?? I really wonder.

Lies after lies, broken promises . One after another. How much more can I trust you? If watching all these is really part of you, you're hooked to it, you don't watch it you will die, then don't give me stupid things like you will stop. Why leave me with empty promises. Why promise me when you know you're gonna break it?

Why hurt me when you are the closest to me?? Why lie?? You know how much it breaks my heart ?

It's heart wrenching, it's heartbreaking, it's disappointing, it's everything. Talking to you over this and crying over it doesn't seem to help anymore right??

Why do you lie? You're making me hate you, which I really don't want to. But why do you do things like that, why do you choose to hurt me?

I know haters are gonna feel happy after this post, they might be laughing their hearts out, but I really don't care. It's been so long since I posted something that's really close to my heart. I just need to write this down somewhere.

It's 2am now, I'm coughing like mad, with fever of 38 degrees, but yet I've got so much in my mind.

Perhaps I should stop caring.

I can't stop my tears from flowing now. :(

I want the best out of you, you mean everything to me.

Improvements In Life :)

Hi Lovelies !

How have you been ? Hopefully things are good for you guys !

Life have been good for me ! I'm happy to say that it's improving ! I'm starting to learn to love life more recently !

Joined a modeling competition, strived my best , BELIEVED and i managed to make it to the top ! I was so happy ! I will continue to strive harder, for my next dream !

Blog shop business is going real slow nowadays.

I have been studying a lot , trying to pull up my GPA to at least a reasonable one ! I've been regreting for not putting in much more effort last semester. Due to my results last semester, i'm unable to get into a local university for sure , no matter how much harder i am willing to work now for it ! :( Well, so now i'm destined to go to a private university ! Ahh well. All the expensive school fees !~  But i'm still holding on to this hope that i can get at least 3.8 by the end of three years ! haha !

I'm like studying everyday, doing all tutorials, i think i just became a 101% good student. LOL. I've never been so hardworking man ! haha, just hope this maintains. But all these hard work proved to worth it. I managed to score much better for my accounting. haha !

I've been trying my best to do sports at least once a week. I want to be pretty and slim , so i will strive hard for it ! Oh ya ! I took up tennis as well ! :) Bought a pink tennis racket, it looks so pretty and with my new super pretty pink nike shoes! Tennis is a super fun sport ! Moreover the skirts are like so pretty ! OMG ! haha ! I sound like i'm taking up tennis just because of the apparels and accessories that i can buy and use ! haha .

Hehe, so well, things are going really well for me ! Hopefully it can get even better as days goes by !

So i'm signing off now with pictures of myself, yes, haters gonna' hate ! haha !



p/s : Currently in Internet Web Technologies lesson, am dozing away. It's like pressing buttons session ! hahaha ! 

BYE LOVELIES <3 <3 <3

Till then......

life's lesson

Hey lovelies ,

It's been so long since i last posted something here.

Life's really busy, many things happened.

Flung my papers, trying my very best to make sure that I'm able to pull my grades to somewhere that can at least get me a place in a local university.

Haven't been talking much to friends ever since school started. Suddenly I feel gaps between my friends and I. Is it me or we just drifted.

But honestly I know partially its me who refused to speak up as well. I don't know why as well, somehow I'm becoming more and more closed-up.

No one seems to know why I'm working so hard. People sees it as I'm money minded, I'm forever trying to get more and more money so that I can afford more stuffs for myself.

Honestly, its not like this. And it irks me when people think like this.

If I just needed money to buy all the stuffs I need, I could've been a spoilt girl and just ask from my parents every single day.

I have unspoken reasons, and reasons that I can't reveal here , so please don't judge.

I'm so tired of being judged and all, seriously, just screw it.

People see me as unfriendly, arrogant , or what ever, I can't be bothered anymore.

I just want to live my life well. I'm not here to satisfy everyone. Really.

Growing so tired of making everyone happy.

The sight of looking at pampered kids nowadays, throwing away food that they just don't like to eat because of one simple factor - the mushroom is uncooked, irks me. What a spoilt child.

Let me be honest, I totally despise kids like that. Hello ?! People in Africa is starving to death.

Looking at such children, I wonder how my future will be like.... Sigh.

However hard life is, no matter what I am going through, no matter how high my stress level is , I just got to be optimistic and move on, isn't it ?

Sigh. This is life....

All I know is that. I do things for a reason, I dont do things just for the sake of doing.

Friends, if I'm like unfriendly to you, please let me know.

There's really too many things happening, sometimes I can really be super unaware of my own actions.

So please...

Till then...

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