Something happened tonight and it triggered me to post this post after so many months of hiatus.
The triumph card was in my hand, i can totally ruin the person and speak up for the innocent, but the opportunity cost were way too high. One part of my mind asked me to do it, but the other part of me told me to not do so. All these led to so many thoughts in my mind. The deepest secrets and never before told life story of mine......
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Ever since i was a child in primary school, i was a victim of bullies.
I remember those primary school days when i would spend all my pocket money purchasing sweets and snacks for people to 'buy' friends, but obviously it failed. I was really fat when i was in primary school, when i was 10, i was standing 145cm but weighing at 70kg. I was called a names, i am always the one that's left out from the rest of class. Well, everyone at the age are harmless, so except for the normal name-calling, things were fine for me. Except that i had few or rather, no friends. Well but at that point of time, i was still a young girl that's naive and easily contented, being fat was never a issue for me.
Things became challenging when i was proceeded to secondary school and the polytechnic.
Secondary school was one of the toughest time of my life. For everyone at the age, it was the time that puberty played a big part in our life, girls are becoming beautiful swans, guys are at the process of becoming perfect gentlemen. Well, for my generation, it was also the time when people start having crushes and falling in love with the opposite gender without knowing what love is. Well, at least for me, at that time, things were that way.
However, I was at my fattest at that point of time, standing 160cm weighing close to 80kg (well not many people knew that, or should i say, even my mum doesn't know i was that heavy). So obviously even if i had someone in mind that i would love to speak to, i wouldn't have the courage to. Moreover the guy, my very first crush of my life, was the top student of his cohort and a sportsman as well. My confidence was at the lowest at that point of time. What made my secondary school life more terrifying were the girls in my cohort and the things they've done to me during my 4 years in school.
I was cyber-bullied, my blogs, my Facebook, my Twitter got flamed every single day without fail. They were all filled with anonymous hatred and threatening messages to me. At the point of time, i was just a 13 year old girl, i was helpless. Even when i knew who were the ones that's behind all these, i wasn't able to prove that they were the ones. The school couldn't do anything about it as well, things were beyond control. There were also times when random girls will just walk pass me, glare at me and start criticizing and laughing at my size and my look.
However, due to all these bullying, my self-esteem was right at the bottom, i go to school unwillingly and not knowing what will be in store for me at school prepared by the bullies. I was also given life-threats outside of school, making me afraid of leaving school and leaving home. Friends and classmates that knew of such things happening to me left me, not wanting to be part of it. Few friends stayed. But eventually due to my insecurities and possessiveness (perhaps due to my lack of confidence), they left me as well. So i went through the 4 years of secondary school with fear, no one knew that i supposed, i'm always putting up shows to my peers and teachers that i'm full of confidence and strong. The truth is that, during that four years, it was the worst of my life. Living in fear and darkness, helpless.
So after the four years, it was time for me to proceed to the polytechnic. I was happy when i completed my last O levels paper, i thought i was free from living in days of fear. I thought i am able to get to know a whole new group of people, to start a whole new life. I went on diet, managed to shed some kilos. Life seemed better. But when i first stepped into my very first polytechnic course, my heart sank. I got into the same class with this particular girl that hates me to the core and was part of the bullies in my secondary school. So life in SIT was not good at all. There was no way for me to make friends at all. Well, that girl was slim and she wears a whole lot of makeup to school, so you know, guys at that age loves such girls, and girls at the age wouldn't dare to go against her. So i was left out, bad rumours about me spread like wildfire within weeks. My life was once again in darkness.
So during the second year in polytechnic education, i took a great step in life. I quit my SIT course, forfeited my first year of studies, and went over to SBM hoping to start a new life.
Well, this course was definitely easier than SIT, but the thing here is that, i was in the top class during my first year and a few people there are like 'hunters', they will do whatever they can to make sure they get that distinction. Well, i made a really good girl friend there, told her almost everything about me, but eventually i got lied to, betrayed, and hurt. Still remember how i saved up to get her that Citigems gem set for her birthday, but eventually when she received it, she simply didn't appreciate it. Instead of a simply " Thanks", she sort of reprimanded me for buying her such present. Well, at least after that i was able to see where i stand in her. Lesson learnt, but heart was broken.
Well, during that period of time, i was busy with work, had my own blogshop to maintain and had to run errands every single day after i end school. Wasn't able to mix with any of the classmates except for that bestfriend (that betrayed me in the end). So eventually i was labeled by a few of the people in class that i am "arrogant, unfriendly, bossy, attention-seeking". But the ironic thing is that, this bunch of people had never once till now spoke a single sentence to me, and they hate me that much.
Well, how much do they hate me? Well, you'll be amazed. They'll post statuses about me on their Facebook, posting things to defame me, talk negative things about me in class openly when i'm not around, they even know what i want to become when i graduate and use it as something to criticize me about. And oh, they talk about me in their daily conversation with each other, not only face to face but also through IM, follow me on all social networking websites and always keeping themselves updated about my daily life so that they can talk negative stuffs about it. Well, many things that they are doing shows pretty much of Jealousy within them, about what i have achieve in life, in which they haven't. They'll talk about what i wear every single day, able my position in my jobs, they things i'm doing, my company etc. But hey, there are still a few great coursemates out there ! :)
Well, simple talking and gossiping is fine for me, but this one particular guy went out of board.
This particular guy, well, he is rather confused with what he is doing i should say.
Well, this is a summary, this particular guy deleted me from his Facebook, so that he could post negative statuses about me, insulting and humiliating me of my looks and my achievements till date. But the irony is that, if the posts are for me, why do you delete me and post them? Are you afraid? Well, high chance you are really afraid.
I wouldn't want to post his name here because i wouldn't want to do what i don't want others to do to me. But this particular guy wants to criticize but is extremely afraid of me finding out about what he is posting, simply because he can't afford to do anymore wrong things, if not he'll be sent straight back to the boys home. Well, he knows we all know that. For him, he bullies everyone that he think that they would not retaliate, but well, i will. He'll post racist remarks about others (which is a highly punishable case in Singapore) and he'll post insulting and humiliating remarks about others including me in his Facebook. Well, of course, i'm not stupid, all statuses are captured.
With this amount of evidence, i can tarnish him anytime. All i needed was to wait for the right time.
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Today was the day, i was given a perfect chance to tarnish his image with all the evidence i've gathered. I was tempted. I could have exposed him and help the innocent ones that are bullied. But well, i cooled myself down and thought about it.
If i were to do this, yes, high chance I'll get him sent back. But what for? At what opportunity costs? Others will be affected as well. If i was to do it, i would be the same as him. I quickly went to the Facebook Community Safe Heaven that i founded to help people that are facing cyber-bullying cases, look at those inspirational quotes and advices i've written for others, i told myself, let it go. Let him go, let all these anger go away, God will bring justice one day. I shall not do what i do not want others to do to me. I shall be forgiving. I've stood up and recovered from bullying, my job is to help others and not harm others, so i shall let it go.
I know many polytechnic mates and lecturers will be reading this, but these are my real thoughts, i don't want to hide anymore.
To the guy, you know who you are. Perhaps you'll be laughing to this post. But if you really are repentant after leaving the boys home and determined to study hard in the polytechnic for your parents, please stop creating troubles, really. You can choose to react negatively to this, you can laugh your ass off to this, thinking that i'm not pursuing anything against you because i simply cannot. But here's what i want to tell you.
Many things you do behind people's back, you think it's fun, and it's funny. You think that the other party doesn't know, but you're wrong. Or perhaps you know that we know about it, but we can't do anything about it, but you're wrong. I can do many things to you, but i've decided not to, because i'm telling myself to forgive you. For all the bad things you've done to me, i shall let it all go. You're smart academically, but there's still people out there that's way better than you, so don't be overconfident. You're smart, so don't waste it. Don't waste you life doing such things behind people's back, it's just gonna ruin your life all over again. I choose not to name you, because i don't believe in publicly shaming people. Only people that know you and what you're doing to me will know this, and i hope you'll know what to do from now on. Really, for once now, bring down all your pride, ask yourself, what do you gain doing such things? Fun? Aren't you tired? Well, this is your life, i can't say much. It's really up to you. Please stop doing bad things to harm others.
But for me, all i can say is, i forgive whatever you've done. I'm letting them all go today. I feel so much better now.
I thank god for answering my prayers during that time when i was looking through Safe Heaven, I thank god for leading me to good instead of bad at the moment. I also thank god for that few great polytechnic friends that are still there for me when i need them.
Goodnight lovelies. I love you all. :)
PS: Sorry for the typos or grammar errors if any, it's 3am in the morning . hahahah!
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" God will judge the evil doer. Our anger must not block our confidence in God’s ability to defeat evil. "
~Psalms 52 Theme
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