Infidelity and it's impacts on children....

"Infidelity happened not because there's lack of love, but because there's lack of respect" 

Look around you today and in many ways modern parents have never been so tuned into their children’s needs. They know that to thrive, children require enough sleep, additive-free food, and stimulation through the best educational toys, sports, music and after-school activities. 

Yet, all too often, parents fail to provide what their children need most: a constructive and loving relationship between the only two parents a child will ever have.
  
Throughout the 20 years that i have lived in this world, i have seen all different kinds of couples, parents and children. Most probably due to work, i was luckier compared to other teenagers of my age to be exposed to couples with infidelity issues and to be constant contact with children from such families. Due to the vast advancement in technologies, articles of affairs, adultery and infidelity was easily accessible for me. I was easily exposed to such events. 

However what resonated most for me was the emotional fall-out on the young due to their parent's infidelity.

There’s something badly wrong with society when we put our entitlement to sexual stimulation and release above the needs of our children. If we then rush into a separation or divorce, we fail them at least as much as we fail ourselves. 

However if we were to stay intact together and not handle the affair and infidelity properly, the consequences are just as serious. 

Breaking down the impact by age, Figes revealed the conclusions of years of research. No matter the age of your children, from infancy to adults, adultery, and the commonly resulting divorce, bring lasting harm to children.

In many cases, the parents will not notice or recognize the harm, but it is there.

Among the surprising conclusions Figes draws is that infant children as well as adult children suffer harm. 

Jean Duncombe, a sociologist who has conducted extensive research on the subject, says: ‘I’m puritanical when someone tells me they’re having an affair — because of the work we’ve done on the impact of divorce on the children. For parents who have affairs are not only lying to their partners, they are often deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have on their offspring. 

 ‘The children are too young to understand what’s happening,’ they reason.

This is just plain selfishness.

There is substantial research on the short and long-term effects of infidelity if it isn’t handled well. 

For children, these include low self-esteem, a sense of being abandoned, poor performance at school, anti-social behavior and the heartbreak of simply missing the absent parent. 

An acrimonious divorce and or infidelity according to research, doesn’t simply hurt children at the time; it can also store up problems for their future. 

So, even if their parents had affairs when they were small and the kids were aware of it, they won’t necessarily suffer the full effects until they become adults themselves.  It can contribute to their own marital problems — including affairs of their own — or hamper their ability to form lasting relationships.  

K was a young lady that i've got into close contact with when i was working at the educational institute. She was a schoolgirl when her mother discovered her husband had been having an affair with a work colleague. Most of the people who knew the couple were already aware of it, so the humiliation was searing. They had to move to another country  — which meant K leaving not only her home, but also her school and her friends. 

I knew about what happened to her when she was at the educational institute i was working for and when i casually asked her about her family. She cried and talked to me about it. To her, i was the only one who have shown concern about her life and she trusted me. When i told her about me doing up this post, she was fine with me quoting her. K even added that she still find it hard to trust her boyfriend when he is late or not with her and doesn't answer her phone. She will feel as though disaster is always waiting in the wing and that he is going to leave her. Even though what happened to her parents were when she was seven, she's still feeling the same, worried and fear the same issue even now when she is 26.

Of course, the last thing people involved with having an affair are likely to think about is how their actions will play with the next generation.

When an affair is discovered, both parents are so anxious, angry and even traumatized that they have limited resources for dealing with more stress from their children, who are likely to be more demanding than usual.
In some families, sons and daughters are sucked into the emotional vortex. In others, they are given little by way of explanation other than: ‘Mummy and Daddy aren’t getting on very well at the moment.’

Many adult children find it hard to trust and respect their father because he lied to them as children and still denies he had an affair with another woman. These adult children went through very bad time, drinking, taking drugs, clubbing and running away. Many of them wouldn't be able to settle down because they don't trust that marriage and love could last and that they do not wan to risk hurting their partners in the way they have been hurt. Some even question themselves that if infidelity might be in their genes because of the fact that his father was serially unfaithful to his mother. 

Impacts to children 

 5 - 10 Years Of Age

Over the age of five, children are more likely to think they have caused their parents’ difficulties themselves. Their greatest fear, when they hear arguments and sense tension at home, is that their parents will separate.
As a consequence, they often have nightmares. Before going to sleep, they can also experience powerful flashbacks of Mummy and Daddy fighting. Many become over-clingy. This will also result in them to have behavioural problems at school and other regressive behaviours such as thumb-sucking and bed-wetting.
To young children, all these makes no sense. They will not be able to understand what is going on and hence finding their own life thrown into chaos. 

 

11- 18 Years of Age 

During the first rumblings of adolescence, things start to get considerably more complicated. Teenagers are more likely to discover an infidelity because they’re so adept at finding incriminating evidence on mobile phones and computers and when they do suspect or discover something, they often don’t know where and who to turn to. At this age, children are developing their own sense of identity and fumbling their way towards first love.

They can often be idealistic, highly moral and sensitive to hypocrisy.  So when they find out that one parent has been unfaithful, they’re quick to see the betrayer as a liar and a cheat. This will hurt the parent, but it’s also harmful to the child.

In order for them to grow up well, they desperately need their parents to be role models — particularly when it comes to demonstrating the values of integrity, honesty and sensitivity towards loved ones. A stable family is needed from which they can gradually start to pull away in order to forge their own separate lives. The discovery of an affair explodes all that. Many of them get very angry, usually with the parent with whom they feel most secure — who is also probably the one being betrayed and least able to cope.

They will tend to get into more trouble at school, have fights, start fires or play truant. Some become depressed, get sick, stop eating or turn to drink or drugs. For them the discovery that one of their parents is having sex outside the marriage feels like a violation. A parent’s affair also causes problems in the community or at school, because teenagers are highly sensitive about how they are viewed.

Children that lives in a family with the existence of infidelity can be scarred for life and there is a high tendency that they will never get out of it. 

 

19 - 21 Years of Age 

Even when a child has left home or gone to university, the discovery of a parent’s infidelity can have far-reaching consequences. Some parents will think and feel that the children are old enough to face it and it wouldn't affect the child much however they are still children within context. They will be absolutely devastated with the lies, causes the deepest damages. It disrupts their sense of security and it's acute enough to prevent them from sustaining their relationships in the future. One of which is the most common impact of infidelity of parents that is rising is that the child will become rigidly condemnatory of any sexual betrayal which not only includes physical betrayal but also emotional and psychological trust like the viewing of sexually explicit videos or pornography. This moral certainty sets an impossibly high standard for them in their love lives. This will cause them to have zero tolerance for infidelity and are likely to be less able to deal with the consequences of marital difficulties and more likely to end partnerships that could be saved or even improved. This is a serious consequence and it leaves a the child scarred for life.

So, is there any way of lessening the impact on children?

Yes, but only in cases where parents behave responsibly, putting their children’s interests first. 

First, if there are marital arguments, parents must never descend into aggression and character assassination.
Instead, children need to see that their father and mother can argue their corner, respect the other’s right to have another opinion, talk about the impact of their behaviour and resolve to work on their differences.

Second, if a couple separate, they need to present a united front when dealing with the children. There should be no arguments about access in front of them and both parents should be involved in school activities and their lives.

Third, any stress, humiliation and rage must be unloaded far away from the children. It may take Herculean strength to avoid revealing your most negative feelings, but it’s essential to prevent harm to your child. Consult professional help if need be.

Lastly, it’s important not to damage children’s trust. This means telling the truth about what’s going on by giving them information appropriate to their age — and answering direct questions. This will reassure them the infidelity wasn’t their fault and that they can always ask more questions when they’re worried.

I've seen and encountered parents who faced and resolve infidelity in a irresponsible and selfish manner, thinking that affairs are just problems between them too. But hey, it's not the case when you have children. Yes, affairs happen. But if we’re grown-up enough to have children, we owe it to them to deal with the fallout in a grown-up fashion. That way, we can avoid handing problems to the next generation.

I'll end with this...........

"Mishandling of infidelity leaves your child scarred for life"

Adopt, Don't Buy. Save a Life.

~Last words of a Euthanised Life~ 

"No more lonely cold nights or hearing that I'm bad,
No more growling belly from the meals I never had.

No more scorching sunshine with a water bowl that's dry,
No more complaining neighbors about the noise when I cry.

No more hearing "shut up", "get down" or "get out of here"!
No more feeling disliked, only peace is in the air.

Euthanasia is a blessing, though some still can't see.
Why I was ever born, If I weren't meant to be.

My last day of living was the best I ever had.
Someone held me very close; I could see she was very sad.

I kissed the lady's face, and she hugged me as she cried.
I wagged my tail to thank her, and then I closed my eyes and died……"

Doesn't this make your eyes watery? These are the words i read this morning on ACE's Facebook Page, an organization that's out there to help all the animals. Please support their efforts, and start adopting..

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By now all readers should know my love for dogs. The love i have for them is something that i can't simply describe with words. I spend my free time whenever i can to rescue stray dogs and puppies, despite the fact that i'm still a student, i am sponsoring individual feeders every month with dog kibbles and dog food to feed 20 dogs. Compared to many full-time rescuers out there, what i'm doing are just small things, but i am able to do my part in helping the homeless and helpless stray dogs who are often unable to fend for themselves or feed themselves.

Over the years, pet ownership is increasing in a fast rate, more and more people are getting dogs as their house pet and or companion. But there are issues that i've observed that's sadly happening.

Firstly, more and more people are purchasing puppies from puppy mills when there are countless number of stray puppies out there waiting to be saved. Many would give reason saying that they would want a particular breed and therefore the reason of purchasing from puppy mills where puppies are kept and bred in harsh conditions. However, if that's the main reason, we do have adoption centres like VFA (Voices for Animals) that have toy breed dogs up for adoption. Some will also give reasons that they are staying over in a HDB flat and they are unable to adopt because most of the stray dogs are big in size and that AVA will not grant them a license to keep the dog at home. However, many do not know that under project adore, license will be given for stray dogs to be kept in HDB flats. I've always believed that when you're willing to try, things will happen, so do not give yourself excuses to just purchase from puppy mills.

Secondly, as more and more pet shops and puppy mills are opening up in Singapore due to the increase in demand for puppies, the price to pay to get yourself a puppy is decreasing drastically. With just $700 SGD you can get toy breed puppy home with you as compared to last time when you at least need a $1000 SGD to get a toy breed puppy. This is not a positive issue as when the price of puppies are so affordable, many people will tend to purchase on impulse without preparing themselves for the dog and forget the fact that dogs are a lifetime commitment. So when this happens, there would be a high chance that my third point would happen, and my third point is : Abandonment.

Thirdly, Abandonment. When pet owners are not well versed about dogs and unsure about the commitment they have made the moment they have purchased a puppy, there will be a high chance of them abandoning the dog when the dog have grown out of puppy hood, when the dog is 3-5 years of age. It is a terribly stressful process for the dog to go through when they are abandoned by their owners. They do no know what they have done wrong and they cannot beg for their owners to not leave them. They are helpless and hopeful, hoping and praying that their owners will come back for them and when their owners don't come back, they would become a stray.

Lastly, some might not know the seriousness of abandoning their pets. They would possibly think that "hey, it's okay, when i abandon them, someone else will pick it up, SPCA will get them another owner.". But sadly this is not what's going to happen to them. The fact is that if they do not get adopted in time, or when they start to create public nuisance like : barking, whining in public and when the members of the public complains about them, their life is gone. They will be put down. Some may feel that it is okay, it doesn't bother them if the dog is going to be put down or not, they already don't need it anymore. But hey, look at it in this way, you bought them, enjoyed his companionship, threw him away and brought him to death, isn't this murder? Why are you so cruel?

Dear future dog owners, i really hope that you will adopt the next time you think of getting a dog. Because when you're buying a dog from a puppy mill, another stray dog that is waiting for a home is actually being put down. So please i urge all of you to adopt and not buy, save a life.

Alone

There's just times in life, whereby things just don't go the way you want.
& when you thought that life got better, it's actually the other way around.
Times when you put all your hopes on a few of the people in your life, and they let you down.
This year is really a bumpy year for me, it's mid 2014 now, but every month seemed to be bad.

When will things change and get better?
That kind of feeling just ain't right.
Dear god, if this is your punishment, when will you be done?
I'm struggling in me, everything seemed to be haywire.
Even my feelings, i've never felt so lost, so down before.

Why do people pull you up and let you down again?
When will people start be true to us?
Or is the problem just me?
Maybe i'm born in a wrong generation, friends just seemed to come and go.
When you think they'll be there for you, they're worth it, they just go all out and break your heart.

Or is it that life's like that?
They make promises and before they could fulfill them they just break it all down right in your face.
These kind of feelings, are just the worst ever.

Or perhaps the problem is just me, perhaps i'm never worth it.

What would you do?

When you have someone that seemed to have taken you for granted for months and suddenly comes back to you telling you that he have repented and would want another chance, what would you do?

What would you do if he used treat you super nicely and something happened and changed him totally, the way he treat you, the way he speak to you, the way he communicate with you?

What would you do if he is always telling you the same thing that he have repented and will change for the better but everything seemed to be always happening again and again?

What would you do if he told you that he have regained his faith and love for god and he wants you to trust him again?

What would you do if you know that deep in him, that person who took you for granted the past few months isn't him?

What would you do if throughout this entire period of time that he took you for granted, it was one of the worst time of your life and he wasn't there for you and you didn't even have the courage to tell him how you feel exactly at that point of time?

What would you do if someone else was with you throughout the entire time when he took you for granted?

What would you do if this person is with you throughout the entire period when you're at a loss and you have no one to confide to except your parents?

What would you do if that someone is a good friend of a super precious person in your life that have passed on?

What would you do if you knew that this person was facing many risks because he decided to be with you throughout the duration but yet still decided to stand by you throughout the entire duration?

What would you do if you knew that he ignored the risks of being called an asshole by people around him and people around yourself just because he decided to stand by you, to be there for you when there seemed to be no one?

What would you do if that someone took the risks of tarnishing his own reputation and risks of  losing you as a friend but still put in all his effort to treat you right?

What would you do if he told you that he is willing to be your meat-shield no matter what risks he is facing and no matter how badly his reputation will be tarnished because he knew you were really vulnerable and weak at that point of time and he just wanted to protect you?

What would you do if he tells you that he doesn't mind all the bad things that will happen to himself to just be with you?

What would you do if he tells you that he loves you with all his heart and that he really want to treat you right?

What would you do when all these happened so fast?

What would you do if you're confused?

What would you do if you're afraid of relationships then already?

What would you do now if you've already grew tired of relationships?

What would you do and how would you react if you're afraid and unsure?

What would you do if you're scared because no one else have done the same to you and told you the same things that he have told you?

What would you do if you don't want to hurt him?

What would you do if you find him a gem?

Oh, what would you do then?