"Infidelity happened not because there's lack of love, but because there's lack of respect"
Look around you today and in many ways
modern parents have never been so tuned into their children’s needs.
They know that to thrive, children require enough sleep, additive-free
food, and stimulation through the best educational toys, sports, music
and after-school activities.
Yet,
all too often, parents fail to provide what their children need most: a
constructive and loving relationship between the only two parents a
child will ever have.
Throughout the 20 years that i have lived in this world, i have seen all different kinds of couples, parents and children. Most probably due to work, i was luckier compared to other teenagers of my age to be exposed to couples with infidelity issues and to be constant contact with children from such families. Due to the vast advancement in technologies, articles of affairs, adultery and infidelity was easily accessible for me. I was easily exposed to such events.
However what resonated most for me was the emotional fall-out on the young due to their parent's infidelity.
There’s
something badly wrong with society when we put our entitlement to
sexual stimulation and release above the needs of our children. If we
then rush into a separation or divorce, we fail them at least as much as
we fail ourselves.
However if we were to stay intact together and not handle the affair and infidelity properly, the consequences are just as serious.
Breaking down the impact by age, Figes revealed the conclusions of years
of research. No matter the age of your children, from infancy to
adults, adultery, and the commonly resulting divorce, bring lasting harm
to children.
In many cases, the parents will not notice or recognize the harm, but it is there.
Among the surprising conclusions Figes draws is that infant children as well as adult children suffer harm.
Jean Duncombe, a
sociologist who has conducted extensive research on the subject, says:
‘I’m puritanical when someone tells me they’re having an affair —
because of the work we’ve done on the impact of divorce on the children. For
parents who have affairs are not only lying to their partners, they are
often deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have
on their offspring.
‘The children are too young to
understand what’s happening,’ they reason.
This is just plain selfishness.
There is substantial research on the short and long-term effects of infidelity if it isn’t handled well.
For children, these include low
self-esteem, a sense of being abandoned, poor performance at school,
anti-social behavior and the heartbreak of simply missing the absent
parent.
An
acrimonious divorce and or infidelity according to research, doesn’t simply hurt
children at the time; it can also store up problems for their future.
So,
even if their parents had affairs when they were small and the kids were aware of it, they won’t
necessarily suffer the full effects until they become adults themselves. It
can contribute to their own marital problems — including affairs of
their own — or hamper their ability to form lasting relationships.
K was a young lady that i've got into close contact with when i was working at the educational institute. She
was a schoolgirl when her mother discovered her husband had been having
an affair with a work colleague. Most of the people who knew the couple were already aware of it, so the humiliation was searing. They had to move to another country —
which meant K leaving not only her home, but also her school and
her friends.
I knew about what happened to her when she was at the educational institute i was working for and when i casually asked her about her family. She cried and talked to me about it. To her, i was the only one who have shown concern about her life and she trusted me. When i told her about me doing up this post, she was fine with me quoting her. K even added that she still find it hard to trust her boyfriend when he is late or not with her and doesn't answer her phone. She will feel as though disaster is always waiting in the wing and that he is going to leave her. Even though what happened to her parents were when she was seven, she's still feeling the same, worried and fear the same issue even now when she is 26.
Of
course, the last thing people involved with having an
affair are likely to think about is how their actions will play with the
next generation.
When an
affair is discovered, both parents are so anxious, angry and even
traumatized that they have limited resources for dealing with more
stress from their children, who are likely to be more demanding than
usual.
In some families,
sons and daughters are sucked into the emotional vortex. In others, they
are given little by way of explanation other than: ‘Mummy and Daddy
aren’t getting on very well at the moment.’
Many adult children find it hard to trust and respect their father
because he lied to them as children and still denies he had an affair
with another woman. These adult children went through very bad time, drinking, taking drugs, clubbing and running away. Many of them wouldn't be able to settle down because they don't trust that marriage and love could last and that they do not wan to risk hurting their partners in the way they have been hurt. Some even question themselves that if infidelity might be in their genes because of the fact that his father was serially unfaithful to his mother.
Impacts to children
5 - 10 Years Of Age
Over the age of five, children are
more likely to think they have caused their parents’ difficulties
themselves. Their greatest fear, when they hear arguments and sense
tension at home, is that their parents will separate.
As
a consequence, they often have nightmares. Before going to sleep, they
can also experience powerful flashbacks of Mummy and Daddy fighting.
Many become over-clingy. This will also result in them to have behavioural problems at school and other regressive behaviours such as thumb-sucking and bed-wetting.
To
young children, all these makes no sense. They will not be able to understand what is going on and hence finding their own life thrown into chaos.
11- 18 Years of Age
During the first rumblings of
adolescence, things start to get considerably more complicated. Teenagers are more likely to discover an infidelity because they’re so adept at finding incriminating evidence on mobile
phones and computers and when they do suspect or discover something, they often don’t know where and who to turn to. At this age, children are developing their own sense of identity and fumbling their way towards first love.
They
can often be idealistic, highly moral and sensitive to hypocrisy. So
when they find out that one parent has been unfaithful, they’re quick to
see the betrayer as a liar and a cheat. This will hurt the parent, but it’s also harmful to the child.
In
order for them to grow up well, they desperately need their parents to be
role models — particularly when it comes to demonstrating the values of
integrity, honesty and sensitivity towards loved ones. A stable family is needed from which they can gradually start to pull away
in order to forge their own separate lives. The discovery of an affair
explodes all that. Many of them get very angry, usually with the parent with whom they feel
most secure — who is also probably the one being betrayed and least
able to cope.
They will tend to get into more trouble at
school, have fights, start fires or play truant. Some become depressed,
get sick, stop eating or turn to drink or drugs. For them the discovery that one of their parents is having sex
outside the marriage feels like a violation. A parent’s affair also causes problems in
the community or at school, because teenagers are highly sensitive
about how they are viewed.
Children that lives in a family with the existence of infidelity can be scarred for life and there is a high tendency that they will never get out of it.
19 - 21 Years of Age
Even when a child has left home or
gone to university, the discovery of a parent’s infidelity can have
far-reaching consequences. Some parents will think and feel that the children are old enough to face it and it wouldn't affect the child much however they are still children within context. They will be absolutely devastated with the lies, causes the deepest damages. It disrupts their sense of security and it's acute enough to prevent them from sustaining their relationships in the future. One of which is the most common impact of infidelity of parents that is rising is that the child will become rigidly condemnatory of any sexual betrayal which not only includes physical betrayal but also emotional and psychological trust like the viewing of sexually explicit videos or pornography. This
moral certainty sets an impossibly high standard for them in
their love lives. This will cause them to have zero tolerance for infidelity and are
likely to be less able to deal with the consequences of marital
difficulties and more likely to end partnerships that could be saved or
even improved. This is a serious consequence and it leaves a the child scarred for life.
So, is there any way of lessening the impact on children?
Yes,
but only in cases where parents behave responsibly, putting their
children’s interests first.
First, if there are marital arguments, parents must never descend into aggression and character assassination.
Instead,
children need to see that their father and mother can argue their
corner, respect the other’s right to have another opinion, talk about
the impact of their behaviour and resolve to work on their differences.
Second, if a couple separate, they need to present a united front when dealing with the children. There should be no arguments about access in front of them and both
parents should be involved in school activities and their lives.
Third,
any stress, humiliation and rage must be unloaded far away from the
children. It may take Herculean strength to avoid revealing your most
negative feelings, but it’s essential to prevent harm to your child. Consult professional help if need be.
Lastly,
it’s important not to damage children’s trust. This means telling the
truth about what’s going on by giving them information appropriate to
their age — and answering direct questions. This will reassure them the infidelity wasn’t their fault and that they can always ask more questions when they’re worried.
I've seen and encountered parents who faced and resolve infidelity in a irresponsible and selfish manner, thinking that affairs are just problems between them too. But hey, it's not the case when you have children. Yes,
affairs happen. But if we’re grown-up enough to have children, we owe
it to them to deal with the fallout in a grown-up fashion. That
way, we can avoid handing problems to the next generation.
I'll end with this...........
"Mishandling of infidelity leaves your child scarred for life"
